Upon reading the latest journal entry of one of my favorite sites;
Superhero Journal, I heard myself cringe. Outloud. Let me first say, that I adore Andrea, who is the author of this site. She is so wise and I am usually moved by just about everything she writes... She's deep, she takes things beyond just the surface, makes one think before just clicking on. I love that about her. She seems to me to be such an amazing person, one who I'd want to be around on a daily basis. She writes about the positive and the negative. She's not all pockets and posie's, but not all scrapes and bruises either. She's creative, funny and quirky too. (Don't even get me started on how talented she is and what an adorable little baby she's got...)
Anyway, reading this latest entry, the one that made me cringe, I had to stop and ask myself,
"Why, what's with all the cringing?" If I want to be 'deep' too and think about it all, I guess I have to honestly say, I don't like the New Year. Hate it. I hate this whole January thing, and that February,
fah-getta-bout it. I've never really thought about why I get anxious, depressed and just all around grouchy immediately following the end of December, but after reading what Andrea wrote about how for her, the new year is exciting, new and fresh, a way to experience a clean slate, it hit me like a brick...
I hate change. "What?" Did I just say that outloud? No, not me the girl who in her lifetime has:
* Moved approximately 18 times...
* Held more than 20 different jobs...
* Driven more than 7 cars...
I could go on, but I think you get the drift. I do makes changes, lots of them, so why can't I make this yearly one, the one I can clearly see coming all year long? Now I'm confused. What's up with me not embracing the new year? Each year as Christmas ends and the New Year begins, it swims over me like an infection; misery, numbness in my middle, sometimes even a cold sweat of fear. I end up with no creative spirit, no desire to go or do, "Hello BLAHS-ville!"
Some might say it's weather related; when it gets cold and dreay I retreat, and that might have something to do with it, but not entirely. Some might say it's because it's winter time and with so few daylight hours I am getting less sun-rays to make me happy, and that might have something to do with it, but not entirely. Some might just say it's because I am Cuckoo for Co-Co-Puffs
( "Hi TL" ) and that too might have something to do with it, but not entirely. What I think it has more to do with is the fact that it isn't that I don't like change so much but more it's that I don't like ENDINGS. Sure, I want the new, I love a clean slate just like Andrea mentioned, I love new calendars, I love clean paper, I love learning new things, going to new places, meeting new people, I love all things NEW... But, I just don't want to have to say good-bye to the old. I want the old and the new together!! I want to work at my
old job with my
old friends, but live where I live
now. I want to be able to stand on my own two feet, be a responsible grown woman, but I want my mom around to still help me survive daily life. I want to have the comforts of my past with the excitement of whats to come. Is that so much to ask for? It seems to me that when new comes along (as great as it can be) it means that the old must move on and for me that just doesn't work. I don't like good-byes, I don't like endings and I especially don't like feeling loss. Gaining 08, means I have to say good-bye to 07... And 07 was what it was... I had some
good times and
hard times, but I still don't want to leave it. I want it to come with me, be right next to me so I don't have to miss it.
Some may think it's weird to allow someone I don't even personally know create such a stir in me, but I feel like I do know Andrea. I've been reading her journal for 3 years now; I trust this Superhero girl, I've seen her dreams come true, I've seen her struggle with the unknown, I've laughed and cried right through many of her journal entries, so because of all that, I'm going to
"take a shot..." at this whole embracing the new year, and officially saying good-bye to the old year. I can do it.
Off to work on my personal
Mondo Beyondo...
